Just a Maniac Monday

“I dwell in possibility.” 
- Emily Dickinson 

This quote resonated with me when I came across it. It struck me, I think, because sometime I definitely pass over living in a cold reality to live among the stars. The downfall to this is that I find I get overwhelmed and have trouble finishing thing. For instance, my closet organization project never really got off of the ground. The goal to sell my dresser and nightstand to make room to redecorate hasn’t been checked off of my list yet. I did post the ad, but when it come to having people come look at it, I realize that I’d have to take everything off and out of it and give it a decent cleaning. Then I wonder where I’d put everything I take out of the dresser until I’m able to install the hanging shelves. The thoughts flood in and I start running through the multitude of possibilities in the time-space continuum.

What if this doesn’t…? 

But, what if…? 

And god forbid… 

GAH! I give up!

It’s exhausting. I’ve been brought up to think that all things are possible; there’s a sea of opportunities for me. Too bad I feel like I’m drowning in them and it’s freaking me out. I’ve got this incredible anxiety about where I am right now. Feelings of inadequacy weigh down on me and sometimes I can’t shake them. I go through periods where I feel like I’m just at a loss. What’s my direction in life right now? Will I amount to anything? Am I doing anything right? I’ve heard people refer to this as a quarter-life crisis, and that very well may be a great way to label it. However knowing what to call it doesn’t take away the feelings along with it. There’s not a cure or treatment for these gross feelings, either. I’m just supposed to take a breath, keep trying and trust in the fact that I’m going to be ok. I honestly just don’t feel like I will, though. I still feel like I don’t know what I’m going to do as a ‘career.’ I’m slugging away at school, but after a mix-up with the VA, I’ve had to sit out this semester. Frustration inducing event # 1049354 of 2012. I’m going to continue on with my idea of taking CLEP and DANTES tests for credit until I’m able to get back into the swing of things. Maybe SUNY or National University to earn some credits. And until then? It’s working out of cafés until I figure out what else I can do. So far, 2012 has been kind of a disappointment. I thought I’d be on my way up, not drilled into the ground. Shit. I guess the only other way to go now is up.


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