Just a Maniac Monday

“I dwell in possibility.” 

- Emily Dickinson 

This quote resonated with me when I came across it. It struck me, I think, because sometime I definitely pass over living in a cold reality to live among the stars. The downfall to this is that I find I get overwhelmed and have trouble finishing thing. For instance, my closet organization project never really got off of the ground. The goal to sell my dresser and nightstand to make room to redecorate hasn’t been checked off of my list yet. I did post the ad, but when it come to having people come look at it, I realize that I’d have to take everything off and out of it and give it a decent cleaning. Then I wonder where I’d put everything I take out of the dresser until I’m able to install the hanging shelves. The thoughts flood in and I start running through the multitude of possibilities in the time-space continuum.

What if this doesn’t…? 


But, what if…? 


And god forbid… 


GAH! I give up!

It’s exhausting. I’ve been brought up to think that all things are possible; there’s a sea of opportunities for me. Too bad I feel like I’m drowning in them and it’s freaking me out. I’ve got this incredible anxiety about where I am right now. Feelings of inadequacy weigh down on me and sometimes I can’t shake them. I go through periods where I feel like I’m just at a loss. What’s my direction in life right now? Will I amount to anything? Am I doing anything right? I’ve heard people refer to this as a quarter-life crisis, and that very well may be a great way to label it. However knowing what to call it doesn’t take away the feelings along with it. There’s not a cure or treatment for these gross feelings, either. I’m just supposed to take a breath, keep trying and trust in the fact that I’m going to be ok. I honestly just don’t feel like I will, though. I still feel like I don’t know what I’m going to do as a ‘career.’ I’m slugging away at school, but after a mix-up with the VA, I’ve had to sit out this semester. Frustration inducing event # 1049354 of 2012. I’m going to continue on with my idea of taking CLEP and DANTES tests for credit until I’m able to get back into the swing of things. Maybe SUNY or National University to earn some credits. And until then? It’s working out of cafés until I figure out what else I can do. So far, 2012 has been kind of a disappointment. I thought I’d be on my way up, not drilled into the ground. Shit. I guess the only other way to go now is up.

School Daze

So here I am, up since about 3am. I've got to get ready and head out for class in abut 3 hours. Now that I've shaken the three-day weekend laziness out, I'm excited to start classes again today. I've got a pretty easy schedule this year.

MWF: 

Sociology - 10:00AM - 10:50AM

Anthropology - 11:00AM - 11:50AM

BREAK FOR LUNCH AT 11:50 AM  ON MONDAY, WEDNESDAY

     CAN LEAVE AT 11:50AM ON FRIDAY

Fundamentals of Design - 1:00PM - 3:45PM

TTH:

Introduction to Women's Studies - 11:00AM - 12:15PM

INTERNET:

Math

I didn't want to overload myself at all, especially since I have a regular modeling gig at Loyola on Tuesdays and Thursdays, have to factor in the internship, and am balancing a few jobs. I figure that I can actually get a lot of my article draft writing done in Sociology and Anthropology. As I mentioned before I'm really going to take an active role in checking out testing services and just how far I can go by testing out of classes. It's a brilliant option, I wish I would have thought about it earlier.

I wish I could say that I had nothing to do since 3am, besides watch TV, but I've actually been working... and watching TV. I recently picked up a new contract as an article writer for a real estate company, so I wanted to finish off my first assignment pretty quickly. Once I finished that, I logged on to Zaarly, where I'm currently doing post approval. If you aren't familiar with Zaarly, it's a really neat site that allows you to broadcast that you are looking for products or services. Check it out and give it a go. I can't lie, now that I'm working the kinks out in my schedule, online freelancing has proved to be such a great opportunity for me. I'm drafting up a blog about my experiences thus far so stay tuned.

Trapped In My Mind

"You see the sun seems to shine
When I am not looking
Oh he's seen the trick every time

My things do get out of hand
Once in a while inside my mental"

- Kid Cudi: Trapped In My Mind

Not a lot to say, really. Have been thinking about a lot though. I don't know if I feel like sharing yet, still trying to sift through what's hormonal nonsense and what's really bugging me right now. I'm not happy with a lot of stuff, but complaining won't change any of it, so I won't. That's not to say that my brain isn't working in overdrive trying to solve my hang-ups, and therein lies the problem. Sometimes I just can't stop my brain for a moment and either just shrug it off or differentiate whether or not I'm interpreting something completely wrong or if there's substance to what I'm upset about. The occasional irrationality of my female logic bothers the shit out of me but on the other hand, there's something to be said for women's intuition.  

...

On a more creative note, I'm in the process of redesigning my bedroom myself. It's sort of going to be my first portfolio project for grad school. I put up my dresser and nightstand on Craigslist so I can gain space in here. I've discovered that I have way more random crap from back in the day that I can pitch, but don't because I have the space to put it. So I'm trying to minimize all the extra stuff I have. Whether I toss it, donate it, or try to sell it through consignment. Besides, that furniture has always been just a little too big to fit in here, so I'm looking forward to getting rid of that and having some space to play with some ideas. The first few ideas I have include painting one or two of my walls with a magnetic paint so that I can just attach photos, art, reminders and more with magnets and such, instead of impaling the wall every time I want to put something up. Next up, since I'm getting rid of the dresser, I plan on hanging collapsable shelves to house my clothes, to maximize visibility and accessibility to my clothes. Instead of having to rifle through drawers. Most likely, I'm going to paint my current desk, once I get rid of all of that extra computer equipment that doesn't work anymore, and use it as a part vanity, part desk, but I may just replace it if I can find something that suits me better. Find a funky vintage-looking mirror to lean against the wall on top of the vanity, after I build-in some stoppers so it won't slide. I could totally use a better chair with back support, not necessarily a computer chair, but something that it comfortable and functional. I'm wondering if I could pull off somehow partitioning off that area, which is near my closet with some sort of L shaped curtain rod and fabrics that fit whatever color scheme I wind up picking and actually turn it into a sort of changing area. Would also give me a place to hang backgrounds (side note: more videos this year!) The real crown jewel of my plans is to get rid of my bed and make, or just break down and buy a Brazilian or Mayan style hammock. I keep hearing there are tons of benefits, including they are sleep-inducing and help with back pain, so I'll try it as a bed. I've loved any time I've spent in a hammock, so bring it on. Add in a few trinkets, maybe a coat rack to hang my purses and heavy coats. 

There's not been a particular theme chosen yet. I just want to get this place into somewhere I like being, somewhere that's comfortable, stylish, and fun. Progress update soon.